Dad Jokes
 @Dadsaysjokes

Best dad jokes on twitter - we’re also on Instagram and Facebook.

short-link.me/19bTe
Joined September 2017
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A man and his son were driving past the graveyard and the boy asked his father, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Not that I know of," answered his father. "What made you ask that?" His son replied, "Well, I saw a gravestone that read, “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters Therapist: You are? Me: (screams) Therapist: I see Me: (scream intensifies)
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching TV and I hear a text, realizing | left my phone in the kitchen. I get up, go to the kitchen to check it... and it's a text from my wife: "Please bring the chips on your way back"
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I'm confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living!
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I love board games. My favorite is where people put meat and cheese on a board. Some fruit and crackers. I'm excellent at that one.
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Last night, I dreamed I was at work. So when I woke up, I called in sick. No way I'm working twice in one day.
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My phone has this cool app that shows me what I look like as an old person. It's called a camera.
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I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said "can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat dude and Marge has blue hair".
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I've been working really hard on my spelling lately. My teacher says I'm almost their.
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If number 666 is evil… Then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
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My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
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I don't mind genetically modified foods. I've just had a lovely leg of salmon.
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Just cleaned out my junk drawer if anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95.
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My nerdy friend Tim just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.
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When I lost the dictionary my wife asked if I looked upstairs I was like, “I can’t look up anything!”
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My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter-wide frame for our wedding photo. Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.
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We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.
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It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
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