Oh, Bill “Hedge-Fund Jesus” Ackman, who built a $20 billion empire shorting the little guy, now cosplaying Mother Teresa by offering to “help” NYC’s self-declared socialist mayor-in-waiting, Zohran Mamdani. You, the guy who once tried to nuke Herbalife into the Stone Age because it might be a pyramid scheme, are now sliding into a DSA darling’s DMs with a PowerPoint titled “How to Run a City Without Accidentally Becoming Venezuela: A Love Letter from Your New Bestie.” Keep tweeting from your Hamptons panic room, Bill. The revolution isn’t eating the rich—it’s just putting you on the waitlist for a studio in the building you tried to gentrify. Solidarity, comrade… terms and conditions apply.