The glittering pinnacle of progressive enlightenment: Angela Walker, freshly minted Bangor City Councilor, striding into municipal power like a phoenix rising from the ashes of her own goddamn felonious bonfire.
Twenty-three years after she and her brother Benjamin Humphrey...those paragons of sibling solidarity...pleaded guilty to manslaughter for pulverizing Derek Rogers, a hapless Canadian tourist, into oblivion on the sands of Old Orchard Beach in 2002.
What was the precipitating sin, you ask? The victim, in a drunken haze, allegedly hurled a racial epithet her way. Her measured response? A savage beating so ferocious it left Rogers suffocating, his lungs clogged with fistfuls of beach sand rammed down his gullet like some grotesque parody of a fraternity hazing gone terminal.
She copped to the killing and a cherry-on-top perjury charge for lying to the cops, netting a tidy 10-year stretch in the slammer...time enough, apparently, to polish her resumƩ for public service.
And lo, the rubes of Bangor...those credulous yokels marinating in the fetid broth of Maine's opioid apocalypse...have just elected this sand-suffocating savant to the council on November 4, 2025, alongside her ideological confrĆØres Susan Faloon (homelessness crusader extraordinaire) and Daniel fucking Carson (registered Democrat moonlighting as a Communist Party of Maine luminary, because why not import Bolshevik chic to the Pine Tree State?).
A trifecta of "progressive" saviors, sweeping in from a nine-candidate circus that included Hitler-shirt-wearing edgelords and 5G-conspiracy spouters, because nothing screams "stable governance" like a clown car careening toward the fiscal abyss.
This, my envenomed erudites, is no mere electoral hiccup...it's the meticulously metastasizing metastasis of the progressive metastate's master plan to eviscerate America's sinews, one sociopathic sinecure at a time.
Defund the police? Check...unleash the feral underclass to feast on the carcass of civil order, all while virtue-signaling from gated McMansions. Open the borders? Affirmative...flood the heartland with imported anarchy, diluting the demos until it's a babel of balkanized ballots.
And now, the pièce de résistance: elevate the ex-cons, the recidivist rabble, to the levers of local power, rebranding "lived experience" as a euphemism for "license to lethal lunacy."
Walker's ascent is the apotheosis of this execrable ethos...a woman who once equated racial invective with capital punishment now poised to "champion the vulnerable" in Bangor's benighted burrows, her recovery-coach credentials (post-addiction absolution, naturally) serving as the saccharine syrup slathered over the suppurating sore of her sanguinary past.
She'll advocate for Narcan-dispensing needle exchanges and tent-city utopias, no doubt, while the ghosts of her victims gurgle sand in silent protest. It's dark satire distilled to its most diabolical dregs: the same sanctimonious squad that preaches "restorative justice" for looters and larcenists now installs a manslayer as a municipal maven, all under the rubric of "equity."
This is the blueprint, you blithering bastards: replicate it nationwide, from Bangor's backwater to Berkeley's boulevards. Elect the ex-inmates to school boards, where they'll teach tots that "trigger warnings" trump trigonometry; anoint the arsonists as arson inspectors, because who better to douse the flames they once fanned?
The endgame? A vertiginous vortex of venality, where every institution implodes under the weight of its own weaponized wokeness, leaving a hollowed-out husk of a nation ripe for the reaping by whichever oligarch or overlord deigns to descend. Progressives aren't building bridges to the future; they're dynamiting the foundations of the present, one elected executioner at a time.
Wake the fuck up, America. Before the sand in your throat is courtesy of the very "allies" you applauded.