Pre-order my new book, “Brian of DC Roofing and Waterproofing in Rocklin, CA Sent Me Dick Pics & Related Tales of the Audacity of Men” on Amazon soon.

conservatives: If we elect Mamdani, there will be Sharia Law also conservatives:

I just got home. After watching a drone show from a steamboat, we went to another city and went mudding. My hair is caked in mud and I am so tired. I had so much fun.

Most amazing pre-date text I’ve ever received.

Him: I actually wish you wouldn’t go on mysterious outings to unknown places with a man you’ve already described as really weird. Me: Yes, I think we all wish that to some extent. Not much that can be done about it though.

I’m either going on this guy’s uncle’s steamboat or walking through the woods to a grave he dug for me but I’m looking forward to whatever’s happening here.

Me driving at night: I hope this is the road.

Lyft: Would you like a driver to pick you up in 7 minutes? Me: Yes 😊 Lyft: Okay your driver will be there in 26 minutes. Me: 😐 Lyft: And the car will smell like a dead dog. Might not even be street legal.

ICE grabs father by the neck—send him into violent seizure while his arms lock up around his toddler. "He's having seizure and they're trying to rip the baby out of his hands!" Agents then handcuff him—before putting in ambulance with his child. Mother is detained by agents as the original target of arrest during the traffic stop—according to witnesses. "They kept saying we're going to put your kid in state custody if you don’t comply... so in the end she decided for the safety of my kid I'm just gonna go." "I was crying on and off every time I got an angle where I saw the kid. I started crying more because the baby was so confused." The incident occurred in Fitchburg, Massachusetts. #DemsUnited

Me: Where did the olive oil come from? 19: Rudy. Me: Your friend gave you olive oil? 19: It’s for you. That asshole wanted to come in to give it to you himself and I told him I would fight him in the yard before I let him personally gift my mom a bottle of olive oil. Dick.

LA: “They took a US citizen father out and left a toddler in the backseat. Two heavily armed border patrol agents got in that car and drove the child and the vehicle away.” What are we doing?

Me: Wish you’d learn to drive stick. 19: Pointless these days. Me: Not if you’re renting a car internationally. It also makes driving more fun. 19: That’s what speeding is for, Ashley.

Been thinking about that guy on here who called me a brainless liberal whore for not having a wired doorbell and he might have been right.

Zohran Mamdani saying in his victory speech “While you campaign in poetry, you govern in prose. If that must be true, let the prose we write still rhyme” and the crowd letting out a muted, slightly baffled cheer is so funny. It spoke to me, at least.

Earnestly asking men if they’ve had their testosterone levels checked lately whenever they act like little bitches.

“You’re not like other girls” ok well I actually love and admire other girls so now I’m just offended

Imagine hating poor people so much that not only do you cancel their food assistance, but you also go after the grocery stores that are trying to help them in a time of dire need.

first night of daylight saving time and i’ve had enough. i’ve had enough. we saved enough daylight in years past. we have to put it back where it was i can’t do this

Me: You have to ask women on dating apps something they’ll be excited to answer. Like, “Would you rather die of leprosy or the plague?” Him: I have a feeling you get away with a lot more than I can in these situations. Me: Okay yeah, hold on, let me think of something normal.

The Onion 🤌🏽

“They were careless people… they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby