Hollywood prostitute Divine Brown has written a book, describing in lurid detail exactly what she did with Hugh Grant. The book sells for twenty-five dollars. But for thirty-five dollars, she'll show you.

And now, a correction to a story we ran last week. Prince Charles is actually the one in the MIDDLE.

The world is a stage my friends

More bad news for O.J. Simpson. This week, a Los Angeles Court ordered him to turn over his Heisman Trophy to the Goldman Family. In addition, the same court may order Simpson to surrender a coffee mug inscribed "World's Greatest Husband."

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!

And finally, Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal. Congratulations, Madonna!

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest album sold five million copies this week. Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

According to published reports, Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his seven-month-old son is starting to lose his looks.

Efecto Tequila.

Former President Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the Federal Government, which will turn it into a California State Park. In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the seven-hundred-acre ranch. And, he will still think he owns it.

And finally, the number-one selling doll this Christmas is "Tickle Me Elmo." And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it. "Tickle Me Frank Stallone."

In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, "Hey hey, easy with that. That's my lucky stabbin' hat!"

The Oscar nominations were announced this week. And Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy's controversial new category: Best Retard.

Who are safer drivers, men or women? Well, according to a new survey, fifty-five percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders. While seventy-eight percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to one hundred percent, because the math was done by a woman. (1/5)

The nation is still reeling from Thursday's bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match. She's more of a stay-at-home type, and he's more of a homosexual pedophile.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra.  And, at number two? Ezra.

(excitedly) Yippie! Jerry Rubin died last week!! (pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up, somberly) Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week." Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.

Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Peron, starring pop singer Madonna. According to its producers, the film is one hundred percent historically accurate. Except for the part where Mrs. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.

The Doobie Brothers released “Minute by Minute” on this day in 1978. The album was #1 for five weeks, went triple-platinum, won four Grammys, and includes the ultimate yacht rock song - “What a Fool Believes”.