This is by no means universal so don’t yell at me but I am starting to suspect that behind many of the complaints that dad doesn’t help enough with the baby are women who are extremely finicky and inflexible about what caring for the baby looks like

Mar 23, 2025 · 6:32 PM UTC

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Anyway shoutout to my husband for taking care of the baby at 7 am because I had a headache
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Obviously a non-ideal situation I wouldn’t wish on others but I was so physically wrecked after having my daughter that I could do very little of her care for almost a week and my husband did everything. So I just tell myself when I want to nitpick that he kept her alive when she was tiny and had to be fed with a syringe so they will do just fine if I go out for an evening.
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Also he has very funny names for all the baby’s things lmfao (in this case, transition swaddle thing)
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Muting now lol
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
In our marriage I’m this way about sick care and the kitchen, but my husband is this way about literally any other thing. Things have to be done on his timetable or he claims I do nothing. I’d rather have dishes build up than he do them lol.
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As long as everyone is self-aware there is no problem 😂
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Along these lines I've also suspected that many men described as "not helping out around the house" are married to women with extremely particular and exacting standards for cleanliness and proper cleaning techniques
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
A common marital struggle follows when the wife does a lot with the baby early, learning from mistakes. Later, as the husband does more, he has the same learning curve, but she does not let him work it out. He then withdraws.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Seems to be a similar pattern of that being an "unconscious negotiating strategy" of "never show gratitude or acknowledge that your husband has ever done anything positive" Toxic attitude that women are encouraged to have
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Idk if you’ve read “how not to hate your husband after kids” but this is basically her thesis and it’s great
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
I think this has a biological component. Mom has a sixth sense for babies’ needs and it feels physically painful for dad to fumble while baby is upset when mom knows how to soothe. Moms should def chill out about a lot of things but that part is hard.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Totally agree. Controlling moms who constantly think (and say!) "you don't do it right." And this doesn't change when they're not babies anymore.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Lots of women out there that can't distinguish between "done" and "done the way I would have done it". This is true for lots of aspects of marriage, not just child rearing.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
This is often true for much of this stuff. It's not a surprise that these discussions, when probed, suspiciously go to topics like "weaponized incompetence." A lot of it comes down to women just claiming chores aren't being done when they reality is closer to "not done the way I'm deciding qualifies as done."
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
I still feel gaslit after being scolded harshly by an ex for not separating darks from lights in the laundry, then decades later my wife giving zero shits and just lumping everything together, and nothing bad happening.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
It reminds me of when I had women roommates and they accused me of being messy. When I pointed out that every bit of mess on the coffee table was from them and not me, they claimed they were only messy because I was 😂
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Seems plausible.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Oh, for God's sake. Ladies, if you want to learn something from the men, stop beating up on yourselves & post celebrations of your Ws. Stoke yourselves on successes. I'm so tired of women thinking it's virtue to be the first to criticize yourself.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
I think the ultimate test is whether mom can leave the baby alone with dad for 6 hours
Replying to @InezFeltscher
Geezus Kriste, no. 🙄 #WeaponizedIncompetence
Replying to @InezFeltscher
Agree. Women who want their husbands to do everything a certain way are heading for a lifetime of misery. There are many ways to care for a baby. Be grateful.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
I told a guy who’d been married for 40 years that my wife wouldn’t listen to any of my suggestions re: kids and that I have to fight tooth and nail to justify my own actions and he laughed, said “YUP” and bought me a beer and boy it made me feel heard
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
All the shirts must face the same direction when they get hung up or other oddities. There’s an anal level of organization to everything the guy gets blindsided by so he checks out and lets her do everything exactly like she wants. This behavior does not become more flexible once a child is present. Or maybe I’m a monster in regards to putting away clothes 😂🤷‍♂️
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
While it has been a long time since my wife & I had babies, 1 of my happy memories is the night I rocked our ~ 6 mo old daughter & sang Christian hymns to her for 3 to 4 hours (as she cried at the top of her lungs 4 mom) while my beloved wife hosted a ladies dinner @ our house.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Yep. "Dad never helps!" See the same woman post multiple times of the small missteps her husband makes online on how he changes the diaper, feeds them, and plays with them wrong. Then gets to hear her tell their neighbors, friends and family that he does nothing and she does EVERYTHING.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
That and post partum anxiety, I’m not that particular at all but was so anxious about the baby being away from me that it set a certain precedent
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
You loaded the dishwasher wrong. You put the milk away the wrong way. You folded the laundry the wrong way. You did ___________ the wrong way.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
We have a rule: You can tell me what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, or when. You get to pick one.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Natural law gives mum higher authority than dad about how baby should be cared for. This means that when dad does childcare, he is the assistant - mum's servant. That takes skillful navigation on both sides. Skillful managers don't micromanage.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Nah. I hear stories all the time of men who refuse to attend to crying newborns or don't want to figure out how to make a bottle etc
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
the first few months with a baby are what going through boot camp is for a man: an extremely trying, testing time, but an essential one to prove their femininity. Just as the woman’s battlefield is on the birthing bed, and her battle scars are her birth wounds Woman up.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
There are a lot of women who are inflexible with the baby and there are a lot of men who literally just won't do anything. It's a mix.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
True. Most complain about the 10% their spouse isn't doing instead of being grateful for the 90% they are doing.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
This is why nurturing is biologically and psychologically something that women tend to. They usually need help from women but demand their men do it because they don’t have a choice. Then don’t like how the men do caregiving. It’s not a great set up.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
With our first, my Wife was a lot more inflexible, but it didn’t last long as she was too exhausted to keep it up. Just keep offering to help.
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Replying to @InezFeltscher
Were women as uptight & anal retentive back in the day? & if not, why not? What has changed?
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